September 24 - 5:54pm (8 months ago)
Imagine feeling exhausted constantly. Couple that with headaches, head spinning, cold sweating. You can’t concentrate on anything. No matter what you do, you’ll always feel a numbing sensation. You get sleep deprevation because of it. Where others might just be able to lay own and and fall asleep, you simply can’t. You have to adapt a strategy which will slowly ease you into the right state of mind. That, or you’ll pass out from pure exhaustion, around 4am to 6am. Either way, the lack of sleep just makes it worse.
You long to get sick, feel tired to the point where you’re almost fainting, or so sad that you’re crying, or even depression. Because then you’ll feel something other than anxiety, and for a moment, you’ll be calm. You try to do something you like, and no one around you understands the issue of just sitting down to draw something. To them, it’s just a simple task, but to you, it’s a huge wall.
Socializing is equally as hard. Your head starts racing and you lose all the focus, and the conversation comes to a dead halt, where your body language is telling everyone that you no longer want to be there.. No.. Where you no longer can be there. You have to go, you have to leave, you have to run. So long as you can bring back some amount of balance to your already troubled mind.
I’m trying to be poinient, because even fewer people know what this is like, and i feel that if i can be as emotional and truthful as possible, it will convay the message more clearly.
A lot of people will compare our strives, to beauty obssessed people. “Well, no one’s happy with their looks”. But that’s not the point at all. I’m not aiming to be happy with my looks per see, but rather, to be myself. To be the person i am within. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and see me in it.
There’s really no easy way to explain what can be best summed up with “I’m a woman trapped inside of a man’s body”. How do i elaborate on this? I feel that my body is not my own. I feel it doesn’t represent me. I feel like i live inside of a lie. A lie i want to break free from.
How do i explain how much it can hurt when someone just calls you a he. When someone refers to you as a male. I just want to show you my true self. My body is not my own.
The social aspects of what we’re going through, for those who might not have realized it, is not very good. My family is relavily accepting, minus my dad. I still have to go through the very painful process of having everyone get used to me though, and it can give you bad thoughts about yourself at times. But in the end, you always have to think to yourself that at least you’re being yourself. At least you’re not lying about who you are. Then all those morons who’ll scream to you in the streets that you’re ugly, or that you suck, or whatever; can all go fuck themselves. I find beauty in who i am inside, and i will always stand by who i am, and not live my life based on what you want me to be. Because that would be a life not worth living to me.
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